Living for Yourself

I've been going through a 'thing,' which is why I haven't written much lately.  My grief over BC was mentally crippling; and one day, in tears, I turned my thoughts upward and pleaded,

"Please, take this grief from my heart."  Much as I love(d) BC, her loss was unbearable and I couldn't seem to move forward.

I can only compare what happened next to flipping a light switch, for my tears ended, as did the heart-wrenching pain, could it be possible?  Is it that easy?  It could be temporary, Amy warned.

A day or two later, while brushing my teeth, the light switched again:

"This is the first time in my life I'm living for myself. "

First it was my parent's approval; then numerous marriages; then living for BC, who depended entirely on me.  The only other time I lived alone was in my 30s, when I was building a career thus living for the Company.

It reminded me of something the Captain said as he was detangling himself:

"Now you can do anything you (choose), like after graduating High School," which was a suckish analogy but momentarily enlightening...until the spell broke and for more than a year I tried desperately to keep us together, which was a total waste of time.

But the sentence stuck and I considered it again.  At that time, my solution was to acquire BC but I'm not getting another dog - at least not for a LONG time, and it'll be small enough to fit under an airline seat.  I want to get myself together before I bring another individual, two legged or four, into my life again.

What am I supposed to do; destined to do...NOW?  Why am I still here when so many others are already gone?  Maybe I should be asking, "What am I happiest doing?" and the rest will fall into place.

THEN I saw a commercial about something, with a fellow sitting on one end of a couch, looking towards an orange feline on the other; sitting back, legs spread, full hairy belly showing (the cat).  The announcer asked,

"Wouldn't you like to live more like your cat?"

YES I WOULD!  I answered aloud.  I don't particularly care for cats but the vision stuck.  I said to myself,

"These are supposed to be my GOLDEN years.  I'm supposed to be enjoying myself."

That doesn't necessarily require money, although it does help.  My mental shift was expanding: I need to worry about myself FIRST, that's a learned behavior.

I began by telling myself that I don't HAVE to finish those Christmas ornaments.  It's not like I'm going to a show and I don't need the anxiety, or the money particularly.  That lightened the load.

Next was volunteering.  I've written about being a Whale Watcher; and during the summer I also helped out on the Art Bus, overseeing local kids with Arts & Crafts, don't know if I wrote about that.  I'd gone to lunch with a fellow Whale Watcher in Newport and wandered into the Visual Arts Center to look at an exhibition.  I saw the call for artists for the Bus; plus I entered a competition.

"My Kind of View"

It was called 45x45 - 45 artists paid 45 dollars each to decorate a 10" x 10" wooden frame; eligible for sale, 100% proceeds to the artist.  Why not?

I chose to paint the way I always wanted:  folksy, like Grandma Moses.  I did my best; added a tiny gourd hot air balloon; and even though it didn't win an award it actually SOLD, which was more important to me.  Awards won't buy a cup of coffee, and positive reinforcement never hurts.

Since I moved to the Coast, wherever I volunteer I've been required to go through online orientations, sexual harassment training and then a background check.  I even have to do the sexual harassent/gender identification training here at the RV park.  Not the worst thing in the world, but it gets tiring the third or fourth time.

But now the Whale Watching team requires it every year.  Seems a bit much to me, considering I went through this only last winter, and then showed up for every date I signed up for, no matter the weather, which was usually cold, wet and windy.  Do I want to go through that again just to claim to be a Whale Watcher?  That's ego more than benevalence.

Besides,  I really can't spot the whales even with good weather and my monocular; and my facial recognition problem has me re-approaching visitors, repeating the spiel I already recited at them, people are so polite.

No thanks, I've done my part; I had the experience.  If I'm still interested in watching the whales, I can wait for good weather and easily drive to any of a dozen local spots.  Or save for a trip to Baja to see them up close during their calving season, lots of people told me of their trips.

So instead I started signing up for the local Performing Arts Center, which is affiliated with the Visual Center (and the Art Bus); meaning I didn't have to re-do the interrogation.  I help in the Concession area, pouring wine and bantering with anyone within earshot.  I get to stay inside, wear nicer clothes for a change and watch a variety of shows, good or bad, doesn't matter.  It gets me out.

Mom always advised to keep news private until you've 'proven' it, and that usually takes time.  Think, "I've quit smoking or eating," only to start up again.  Therefore, I've been quietly working on my change in attitude, except with my Manager, the nearest 'in the flesh' person with who I'm comfortable sharing stuff like this.  I mentioned my living for others observation, to which she commented,

"I think lots of women are like that."

And probably most would agree; food for thought.

The proverbial straw which in my case burst my balloon of depression came from an unusual quarter.  I was channel-surfing when I spotted a Mutt and Jeff pair of men standing next to one another onstage.  Their difference in height was truly remarkable.  I recognized Joel Olsteen, the TV preacher, and his TALL companion was Tyler Perry.  I paused a bit, and when Tyler began speaking I set down my coffee cup.

I know; I couldn't be more surprised, either.  But Mom enjoyed watching Joel the last decade or so she was alive; and sometimes I watched with her since he didn't sound too extreme.  I really don't know anything about Tyler Perry other than he starred in movies and has created a successful media empire.  But what was he doing with Joel Olsteen?

I never would have pictured him giving a spiritual talk and he was very good.  What I liked in particular was his emphasis on what he called, Climb and Maintain.  (Here's a 6 minute YouTube video, but you can find it elsewhere, if you're interested.)  Oddly enough, there's now a Prime documentary on Tyler's beginning, haven't watched it yet.

His message that day was about handling anxiety and troubles.  Who hasn't, at some point, been completely knocked off their feet?  Using the parable of Abraham and Isaac, he reminded (us), 

"You are not the sacrifice.  God will supply the sacrifice."

Climbing is the prayer and the worship is the Maintain, his words.  Climb and Maintain; pray and worship.  I'm not trying to convert anyone and am certainly not 'born again,' just describing my experience.  I interpreted the message as not to lose faith - in the Almighty or myself.  It reminded me of Miguel's admonition, "Don't get off the bus!"

Now, you may be wondering who I am and where Andrea went.  I was raised going to Sunday School each week and love Bible stories to this day; but once I was old enough to attend church I chose not to, for a 17-year-old's reasons, and never really went back.  That doesn't mean I don't still have the basics in my 'soul.'

But recently my bitterness has grown to an uncofortable level, manifested in some of my recent posts.  I don't want to feel like that.  The best I've felt in the past decade, spiritually at least, was when I lived within Community First, helping every day, not just once and awhile.

I've said for a long time that when BC was no longer with me I could see myself volunteering around the world, like a Senior Peace Corp.  All I'd like stateside is a little place with a bed to stay between volunteering gigs.

So what's stopping me?  Nothing.   Put that front and center in my consciousness. There are other things to which I'm asking myself the same question and the answer's the same.

The cherry on top came yesterday morning:  again, flipping channels and landing on Joel.  His message this time (my interpretation):  do your best at whatever you're doing; enjoy your place in the world this moment; and don't worry 'cause basically the answer's already there, all I need to do is remain open enough to ask.  Like I did at the beginning of this story.

So despite having to sit through the worst Christmas show I've ever seen while Ushering last night, I did so with a smile and tried my best to help patrons enjoy their evening.  That's what mattered.

Maybe that's enough.

Merry Christmas, everyone!