No Regrets, Mom

I happen to find the acts of human childbirth and breastfeeding particularly revolting; always have.  I'm the farthest from newborns passed around by beaming parents, and God forbid one of them gets shoved into my arms, they immediately start bawling. Of course I’m a minority, but according to today’s society that should be JUST FINE.  When I was 15 or so I declared to Mom,

“I’m not going to have children.”

Her response: “Don’t tell anyone that; they’ll think something’s wrong with you.” I didn’t understand why she said that, but luckily it didn’t make a difference. Babysitting taught me that I like kids better when they’re old enough to talk to in regular words, since I don’t do BABY-SPEAK, GOD I hate that, too.

Haven’t changed my sentiments in almost 50 years.  I prevented Motherhood permanently in my early 30’s, which surprised several married friends with children who were told, to a woman, that they were still too young to make such an important decision, even with their husband’s permission. Talk about presumptuous. How'd I get so lucky?

I told the Doctor that Ex-Man 2 already had 2 children; and he said, “Oh, so you have a family.  Alright, then.”  I never mentioned they lived with their Mother.

Therefore, I’m trying really hard to ignore the recent controversy about breastmilk vs. canned. Must we all be involved? What does Amy think?  Let’s play Carnac:.

“They should be relegated to locked rooms with no windows.”

(Q:) “What do you think of women breastfeeding in public?”

“Kicking and screaming.”

(Q): “Would you go into a delivery room?”

"Tasteful, but made me want to vomit.”

(Q): “What did you think of Demi Moore’s very-pregnant Vanity Fair cover?”

We pity and applaud our Sisters around the world; some of whom are just now allowed to drive cars.  What about here?  We're about to confirm our doom in the Supreme Court.  Nowadays it would be next to impossible to obtain an illegal abortion without attracting attention.  No wonder so many young girls and women are choosing alternate lifestyles. Beats going back to hangers and knitting needles.

So go ahead, ladies, and march to the beat of your own drum, but please be absolutely certain; no doubts; about something before doing anything you just may regret down the road. You've got time.

No regrets, Mom…not a one!