Rockin' between the Sadness

For years, October has been a bittersweet month for me.  It's almost my birthday so I rejoice I made it this far (I'm supposed to say that); but on the 12th it was the 28th anniversary of Tino's passing, can you believe?  It's been so long now, it hardly seems real anymore.  I resemble the young woman in this photo not at all...oh, how I miss those Big Hair days.  But that's just the poor-me side.  On the other hand, it's also the birthdays of many of my dearest friends, so,

Happy Birthday!

My sadness over the loss of BC is at times overwhelming, matched in intensity only by the loss of Tino 3 months after our wedding, life's a bitch.  I know the grief will eventually lessen, but it seems the older I get, the harder the losses become and I fear this time it'll last for years.

But I'm not making the same mistakes I made back then, and force myself to do things, like painting rocks.  I painted one of BC after she died and everyone thought it came out cute, so I painted one for my friend's dog, Maverick, who also recently passed, dear Mavs.

Border Collie Mavs had the biggest, pointiest ears of any dog I've seen.  Short of glueing on pieces of felt, I painted them up and around the end.  I certainly can't paint pet portraits like those you see on Etsy, fabulous lifelike examples there...I'm  not that kind of artist, no matter how hard I try.  But I seem to have my own style, which some people like.

People here at the park saw BC's rock when I brought it in to show to my co-Workampers, and a couple expressed interest in having me paint their dogs for money, but I've had to put them off.  It's nicer to paint something for someone else as a gift than it is if they're a paying customer.  I'm hard enough on myself, and don't relish second-guessing my art.

"Let me do a few so I know if I enjoy it or it's a drudge; plus it should take me less time with practice, so I'll have a better idea of what to charge."  BC's rock took me weeks, painting a bit here and there, constantly re-doing the eyes and nose.  My eyesight is, you may recall, skewed about 2 degrees, I learned while nudging my photos.  Can't find the center of anything.

So for practice I offered to paint some rocks for my Manager, who adopts Black Labs.  When I first received her printed photos I thought, "They all look alike!"

"No, they aren't," and her husband Jim pointed out just a few of their unique colorings.  OK, I get the point, and after looking at their pictures for a few weeks now, darned if he isn't right.

Aspen passed away approx. 2 years ago, and Rhonda still gets teary-eyed when a Black Lab resembling him, accompanied by its owner, comes into the office for a cookie.  I've begun to spot similarities a bit now, too.  I guess I'll have that with BC-look-alikes, I've already seen one.

I paint from photos and do my best, that's all I can expect from myself.  As I paint I think of how the recipient will enjoy having their beloved pooch on a paperweight, at least that's how I feel.  I can touch and hold it, unlike a painting.

I've got three more Black Labs to finish plus a cat, after which I'll post the photos and let you know whether I'm taking orders.  At least it passes the time.

So Happy Birthday to me!  My birthday wish is by next year's anniversary to have an improved mood.

Make it so.