"What a wonder life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner." Colette

Nov 15, 2020

You Made Your Bed, Now Lie in It

That was one of my mother's favorite expressions, and it's coming back to haunt me in my twilight years, am I there yet?

I've been having a tough time the past few days battling the blues and I know I'm not alone.  Despite pushing myself to stay occupied and not dwell on the past, it's difficult to wake up knowing I've just got another day of silence in my life.  If it wasn't for BC I'd go mad.  Oregon's on state-wide lockdown for 2 weeks, you've heard the news; but I'm still hoping for Thanksgiving leftovers from friends.

Maybe I should have had children so at least I'd have some sort of household during the holidays, but who am I kidding?  One of my best decisions has been to remain childless, because I'd have been a terrible mother, no doubt about that.  Besides, I've seen enough proof that HAVING children doesn't guarantee they'll be around like you'd lovingly hoped.

I learned at Community First the best way to get away from your own troubles is to focus on another, so I called my uncle, who lives with my cousin's family but still feels deeply the pain of the unexpected loss of my aunt two years ago.  After the call I took a nap and felt a little better.

My last partner would call me a Whiner-Baby about now and Rita would remind me there are people with REAL problems, and perhaps they're right.  After all, I didn't lose my home in this year's fires, on top of everything else.

In my defense, since I don't speak to anyone, writing is the only way for me to work things out of my system. I used to use other methods, but I quit drinking over 15 years ago when it was taking over my life.  After 10 years I was able to control and limit myself to enjoying a glass of wine with friends at dinner or Margarita at a gal-pal lunch.

NOW I congratulate myself each time I pass the liquor store on the way to pick up my Walmart order.  I tell myself I'll only stop for a miniature for the holidays or the ingredients for some yummy hot drink, but Amy's lying to me.  I'll pick up a larger bottle of something and blow not only my sobriety but my diet.  I'm not in the right frame of mind for such temptation.  It's a good thing only wine and beer can be purchased in grocery stores since I no longer enjoy either.

I usually manage to keep myself creatively busy, since another oft-repeated expression during my formative years was,

"Only boring people get bored," or something to that effect.  That doesn't really help much now, for everything has it's limits and I feel close to mine.

Then I try to imagine how our parents and grandparents felt during WWII when there was REAL rationing and other government-imposed restrictions.  Sure, they missed their butter and whatever else, but it was for the good of the nation.  People did what they had to; sacrificed what they had to; and we're complaining because this Thanksgiving won't be the same?


So in conclusion I'd like to remind people to reach out to those who don't have hobbies, partners, outlets or dogs, for they won't necessarily reach out to you. 

P.S.  Writing did help, since this published version is quite different from my original whiner-draft.  Think I'll go work on my latest project:  dried fruit garlands.  It passes the time.

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Original gourd art designs Copyright 2020 Andrea Jansen Designs. Please write for permission.



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